Fall Shit 

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Fall has always been my favorite season. The weather is perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. Hocus Pocus comes on everyday! I get to eat as many donuts & drink as many glasses of Apple Cider as I want! Hayrides, pumpkin patch farms! The leaves change colors & fall…along with me. I Force happiness unto myself, for the fear of being asked “What’s wrong?” Because in all actuality, I don’t have the answer. I know it’s coming though. I’m counting down the days until I’m crying for no reason at all (tears are flowing now). I’m counting down the days until the people who are closest to me start to fade away. I’ve realized it’s not them who are leaving, but it’s me who are pushing them out. Yes! I recognize it, so you may think “why don’t you stop it? I can’t. I simply can’t. I try. I try harder. I try again, but it’s a repeated cycle that must comes after the sun setting early in the day. Brisk air slapping my face, freezing my tears in the center of my cheeks. They’re noticeable enough for some one to ask “What’s wrong?” But when your so strong the rest of the time, they believe you when you say “nothing.” I believe me, because nothing is wrong. Everything is. Every good thing in my life becomes a nuisance. My annoyance level is little to none based off circumstances I created. There’s a curse in having an imagination, you began to believe it. So I pray. Then, I began to question who I’m talking to. I question if my blessings where actually luck. Damn, that could be the devil talking. It could be the sleepless nights, tossing & turning the dreams that I’ve made a reality. I remain silent. God forbid, I express these feelings & be labels a wierdo. It’s one of those things that is hard to explain even though you’ve explained the best you could. I justify it with being misunderstood. I brush it off, sweep it up under the rug until the build up is too high, that I can’t see straight. So high that no one can come in, because they’re tired of digging into a bottomless pit. But if they knew how empty it was they’d try a bit harder. They’d push pass the baggage & see me. They will hold me closer in silence. They won’t ask me to explain, they won’t tell me it’ll be alright. They’ll just hold me tight, in silence. Letting my tears soak their chest as I spill over on them. I promise my problems won’t become your burden, I own them. Each night I fall asleep, thinking it’s another day until I meet the sunshine. And when the sunshine comes, you’ll get an apology. It’ll be sincere, but you’ve heard a million times before. It’ll be somewhere on the lines of, “I’m sorry you have to deal with my mood swings. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call or return your message. I’m sorry you’re forced to be patient with me. Thank you for loving me.” It’ll be up to you to stay, I accept the responsibility. I’m prepared to have a smaller circle. Next Fall I’ll dwell on the one before. 

One thought on “Fall Shit 

  1. Auntie Lex

    The mind so amazing. But when it’s the mind of someone you love so dearly. It takes your mind to a whole other level. You be like ” I know her and she wrote that”. That was a very emotional “Fall S**t”. Lol Especially when you are the one that can relate to what your reading. This just helped me to really look deeper in me. Love you girl 💋

    Liked by 1 person

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